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Everything posted by dave_kinky

  1. Lord High Vizier David Kinksworth here Now I am a time traveller of some ill repute, I have not travelled back from 2036 to get an ancient computer to save the world, I am from about five centuries in the future, it's still going. I am typing on one of your ancient keyboards with my bejewelled claws and laugh at your primitive software. This is us future people's usual reaction to your prehistoric computer systems. Ask me a question about the future, I might answer it. No, I am not buying you time travel before you ask.
  2. There is no Windows XP for a start, how are they going to play The Sims?
  3. My primitive 21st century pals, after five years in a Lizardan brothel even my almost-endless juices are running dry. Chrono's visual circuits have shut down due to some of the things we have seen and witnessed and participated in. Suffice to say Brick has had more than his fair share of cake. Knowing what fans of muscle trees you all are I wanted to let you know about their unfortunate demise so we can hold a digital funeral for the poor imaginary foliage. John Titor and his nephew Ethan send their best wishes to you all btw Lord High Vizier David Kinksworth
  4. Apart from the mm thick strip of Brick/Chronohistorian I have still embedded in my frontal lobe I wonder where he is now? Still in his mom's basement? Do you think he moved on to working in a video game store? Or, highly unlikely, is he traversing the mists of time somewhere centuries in the future? No, probably still a nerdy virgin.
  5. My friend I have sad news, there has been a galaxy-wide drought leading to the extinction of the muscle tree species!! I know, it was all the Lizardans fault (or is it Lizaran's fault?) anyway, remember Chrono's space toilets which you didn't even need toilet paper for? They rebelled in the middle of the 25th century and used up vast reserves of water in a devillish plan to clean the rings of Saturn rather than just the rings of everyone on Earth. Before Brick and his cohorts in the made-up Cosmic League of Chronohistorians or whatever they were called could act the muscle trees were fainting then dying. It was awful. Admittedly thousands of other species also became extinct but we don't really care about those. Plus the Cosmic League of Chronohistorians was entirely made up of 14 year old boys with limited imaginations, internet access, no girlfriends and too much time on their hands.
  6. It was, you know back in the glory days of 2005 this forum had it all. A new time traveller appearing evey day literally within a couple of hours of them googling 'John Titor' (a personal friend of mine as it happens) and amazing stories. I say 'amazing stories' they were variations on the same story really - a nuclear attack on Philadelphia here, a zombie plague there, a civil war over there. Happy times! Where are they now with their 'ask me anything?' threads, you know, the ones where the first reply was 'how does your time machine work?' followed by the inevitable 'I am not allowed to say, it's classified under orders of the Time Masters'.
  7. FIVE YEARS I've been away or maybe more! FIVE YEARS stuck in a Lizardan brothel with nothing but a miniscule sliver of Chronohistorian taped to my frontal lobe and the warm but hairy body of Creedo299 for company
  8. (I've recovered somewhat now...) Incidentally fellow time travellers and primitive primates of the 21st century, if any of you recall Chronohistorian's 'personal identity' information on his/her profile: 'Time traveller from the year 2522. I have come to document history because my future lost it. I won't tell you how we lost it because it is too humiliating for the future.' Yes, I can reveal it was very humiliating, suffice to say on the night (in the future) that Chron-clone-girl finally popped his cosmic cherry the entire crew of the Zodiac saw a lot more of him/her than we expected. You really don't want to know where the 'document history' of Chrono's future was found, but it explained the strange faces his clone had been pulling for a number of weeks and why s/he could never sit still. Dirty Chrono!
  9. Re: 'For Flark's Sake Don't Kill Anyone or Anything' What the flark you on about brother?
  10. So....like, have you ever, like, eaten and smoked a gigantic amount...of Lizardan Muscle Cake Weed...which you've bought 60 years in the future of your own time from a Zygotean prostitute in a bar on Uranus...and lay on the floor of your timeship laughing for about....15 hours...and then drank a load of lunarium juice...and oh flark, took the virginity of the 16 year old female clone of Chronohistorian in a consensual but degrading way....then accidentally pressed the time travel button on your console spilling lunarium juice everywhere....then crashed into a house somewhere in Missouri in about 1953....then smoked some more...and shaved Creedo299 for a joke....flark I am so going to get a fine from the TTB for this....
  11. Just got back from 2002 - where the flax were ya? Sweet baby Jesus, you primitives!!
  12. Trust me, as somebody who has been there physically, it sucks. You'd be better off in 1971. Tell you what, I'll get Creedo299 to grease up the old Zodiac and we'll come and pick you up and take you to 1861? Meet us on 4th June 2002 @ 10am at Times Square, Creedo will be the smelly, hairy unintelligible 'man' who tries to get you to give him some fries from the McDonalds opposite the TCKT office - OK? There'll be me as well (tall), Johnny Titor (medium build) his nephew Ethan (skinny), Zeshua (hot babe - wearing very little, hubba hubba) and Chrono (skinny girl) - ya dig? See you there!
  13. 'For Flark's Sake Don't Kill Anyone or Anything' Now, as any real time traveller knows, there are no 'Time Police' or 'Time Academy's or any of that nonsense (well, depending on which parallel Earth you originate from I guess), just the make-a-quick-credit hypertime merchants known as the Time Tourism Board operating out of their HQ in what used to be France in 'your time' - the Gallic Hole. Their motto is 'For Flark's Sake Don't Kill Anyone or Anything' which is the only advice you need really, so has anyone ever made this mistake when travelling back to these ridiculous primitive times (or even further back?) I bet everyone's got some hilarious tales - who/what did you kill, was it an accident, how many credits did you get fined (obviously I'm aware of the 24th century legal battle over whether the TTB can actually 'fine' you as they are a private firm), did you have to sleep with anyone/anything as part of any bribes, did the timestream change etc etc? Come on, share away!
  14. From personal experience I can confirm John Titor is definitely right on 26th century recreational drugs! Naughty Johnny!
  15. I was in 1861 with Chronohistorian only last week (Chrono now has a new clone body by the way, he is now the trim-figured 16 year old girl he always wanted to be when he was an irritating 14 year old virgin boy), are you sure you want to go there? It's really grim, just loads of horses and zeflax like that! If it wasn't for the fact that we were hunting Lizard Men from Alpha Centauri who had shape-shifted to resemble cowboys it would've been really really dull! 2461 is far better, trust me! If you want a ride in the Timeship Zodiax let me know Glad to be of help The Davester
  16. Doom and Gloom sells! They LOVE that shizzle on here, post some NOW!
  17. Hey look and I'm still here! I tell you what primitives my first trip to your 21st century was a real learning experience - (1) primitives don't like males to wear female clothes in broad daylight as it upsets their children (2) primitives on the internet believe all time travellers are some kind of do-gooders sent from the future for the good of mankind rather than drunken yobs out for a good time with their orifices (3) adolescent primitives insist time travel is in someway regulated by Time Councils and Academys rather than by The Time Tourism Board who are out to make a quick credit (Their motto 'For Flark's Sake Don't Kill Anyone or Anything') (4) bizarrely --adolescent primitives whack off endlessly about nuclear wars and civil wars on time travel message boards when there are far better (and sexier) things on the internet to occupy them. I did indeed go on a razorblade and coke holiday to 1977 shortly after my first trip to the Time Travel Institute, it was great hanging out down the Kings Road with Johnny Rotten in London but I then had to go back and remove my image from all of the photos, though I did accidentally leave my sex pistol lying around, so that explains that one! Anyway since then I've now got my Zodiac Timeship and hang out with John Titor, his young nephew Ethan, Zeshua the hot space nun (she's up for anything seriously) and Creedo299 is our family pet, we are like the Jetsons 2566CE, so it's all worked out for the best. Oh and of course there's the half-micron thick strip of Chronohistorian's pathetic excuse for a personality injected into my brain which still let's me communicate with the Brick-meister should I be suicidal or momentarily insane. Happy days -- and it's all thanks to you cave-dwellers! I love you guys (there's no girls on here let's face it) - even the Norwegian obesessed guys! xxx -
  18. In regards to your comment about 'you don't think the Chronovisor is a mobile device' - you don't 'think'? Well my friend you 'think' wrong, as anybody on this forum knows I am a time traveller of some great reknown from the future, your future, and the Chronovisor is simply one product in a range of 'Chrono-' based services offered by Timetravel Inc. who are ironically based in Norway. How Chronohistorian howls in pain to think of all the marketing he's missed out on! Anyway a Chronovisor may exist 'in a lab' in your primitive dark ages back in the murky caveman era of the early 21st century but in my future world of starscrapers, glittering deep space communities and attractive hologram shoulderpads a Chronovisor is simply something you pick up from the mall along with a half dozen cans of flaarg and the latest cyber-Britney interactive blue movie. Furthermore, on the subject of the dark ages what are all those nonsense 'Proverbs' quotes you've tagged onto your post? Is that some religious thing from when you pre post-humans still believed in imaginary sky pixies? How very charming and quaint! Don't understand any of them though. Perhaps you could explain in greater detail, I am big fan of dead religions (well I'm not really but I like to humor you primitives)
  19. As per your request I have checked my 'Chronovisor' (it was at the back of Creedo299's kennel, underneath the Chronoviewer and behind the Chronotoaster - still in it's box, for you fans of time travel technology! Anybody remember when Chronohistorian was threatened by deadly toasters from beyond time? It's still available to view on his very poor 'I am Chronohistorian' or 'He is Chronohistorian' website, which amazingly still exists to this very day - google it, time brothers! But I digress) Ahem, As per your request I have checked my 'Chronovisor' and I am sorry to report it had some trouble even finding Norway as not a lot happens there, in fact apart from Abba and some vikings the Chronovisor could find nothing of note in Norway's history whatsoever. I even had to tell it Abba weren't Norwegian and it has now corrected it's database. So the answer is 'No, just more snow' - that is the cumulative effect the tragic shootings have had on the timeline. If you have any more queries you want me to plug into the Chronovisor let me know, I've also got that other Timeline viewer I could use as well, you know the Quantum thingy. I asked the CV if it wanted me to upload that massive pdf document you linked to as well, but it declined the offer. Thanks Dave
  20. I have just time travelled to the past (circa 2007) - this forum was a lot funnier then with its ludicrous time travelling claims on it and atomic wars and giant robot armies going off. Oh for those happier more innocent times!
  21. Beware! I have heard from Chronohistorian (Peas Be Upon Him) that the Lizardans are back and extremely pissed off that a time traveller who posts on this very forum - you know who you are - has gone back in time and basically altered the Lizardan timeline so that they never met Chronohistorian's genocidal army in the future. This has split off their main branch of history to form an alternate future for the Lizardan's - who, free of the threat of genocide from Chrono's lot on Earth have conquered the Earth instead and are now working on pan-dimensional technology which will allow them to conquer not only this timeline but the 'true' timeline of the future where Chrono and his murderous mates wiped them all out apart from a few thousand who live in a zoo in France in 2516! They are building a huge galactic base close to Uranus where they hope to cling on to their evil plan for domination. The person who has perpetrated this act needs to own up pretty soon or the Time Police are going to get very cross.
  22. Well to be honest I would know if the timeline has changed, I've got this huge crystal thing on the timeship Zodiac, can't remember exactly what it's called, a xeenarium timeline alteration detector matrix or some such jargon, Johnny Titor installed it the last time we were on Neptune, boy that was one heckuva trip! I think Creedo299 got rear-ended by a Jovian time-slug at one point, how we laughed! But I digress, anyway the XTADM or whatever its called, the crystal thing, it basically observes a timeline and if any changes happen it can track them. To be honest its quite dull, but sometimes when I'm twatted off my gourd on super-heavy duty Muscle Cake weed from Uranus it's pleasant to just sit by it and drool while it spins around with it's little lights twinkling. So, basically if you want to know if any timelines have changed, just ask me. Westside.
  23. Dang! Wish come up with this I do! Invented character of mine it is not!
  24. Where are the 'time travellers'? Its all gone a bit dull round here hasn't it primitives? Can a 14 year old who is pretending to be John Titor (calling themselves Ralph Time or something) please start posting some spurious claims Or I'll do it myself under a different name - anybody fancy that?
  25. Yes, yes I would say Lord High Vizier David Kinksworth
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