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dave_kinky

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Everything posted by dave_kinky

  1. Well what a poor turnout for this competition, I've read Zeshua's 'I am from 2029' or whatever the hell year it wwas and you're already on the team gal (admittedly your entry was total gack but hey), or 'Peter Novak' is, who I suspect is Zeshua anyway Come on you primitive cave dwellers, let's see some entries!
  2. I am running a competition to join myself, The Real John Titor TM, Little Ethan Titor, Jacob 'Time Traveller' Time, Creedo299 and all of the other sad losers (including Chronohistorian) I have to hang out with in TITOR TOWERS in The FutureTM. To enter merely post a new thread called 'I am from the year...' (and choose the year you are pretending to time travel from) Your character must have a ludicrous name NB "Joey Space Time Traveller", "Ken Timelord", "Zeshua" or suchlike unlikely nom de guerre Your backstory must have natural disasters (especially earthquakes), American civil war, global civil war (is there such a thing?) and nuclear holocaust either spiralling upwards in that order or a protracted mixture of said doomsday scenarios cobbled together from some movies and books you half remember from when you were 14 (or more likely you are 14 now, or on your next birthday) The internet is back up and running but better bandwidth within 2 years of this doomsday event You travelled by a time machine but do not know how it works - this is important, it could be a time hat, or a time backpack, or a time commode, but, and I repeat, you have no idea how it works, you just pressed a big red button which said '2011' on it and back you came to the early 21st century because its so exciting here. I mean who'd want to go back to 1945 or 1939 or 1914? As if, they don't even have internet forums there, imagine having to write to Lord Farqhuar-Wilberforce in 1914 to convince him you're a time traveller and wait weeks for his hand written reply by horseback saying 'Chronohistorian dash it all, is that you? Learn to spell you dunce' and so on. And you must have a stunning new twist to your story. Does a headline from google two years ago about a minor riot in Alabama over taxes count as American civil war? It does in the world of 'Barry TARDIS' your imaginary time traveller. Get writing, cave dwellers!
  3. Jacob Time!! A time traveller called "Jacob Time"!! Aha ha ha ha ha ha!! I can imagine the scientists in 2040 saying who shall we send into the dfim murky past of the early 21st century via our spanking new time machine? Shall we send Bobby Space? No, there is something not quite right with him. What about young Letitia Moon? Again no. Then a scientist pipes up "Wait! I know the perfect person, what about that teenage scamp Jacob Time? He has not got a girlfriend mayhaps if my memory serves me, has never so much as kissed a girl. And gadzooks, his surname is TIME! It is perfect!" The other scientists then cheered heartily at this almost heartstopping twist of fate. A time traveller named TIME. What about Rule 4, do not make anyone die from laughter? I haven't had the TIME to plough through the drivel you've posted yet as I have a life, although Creedo read it and was last seen vomiting into his ornamental pond, but I will make some endeavours to sift through it. I'm guessing you have a lot of TIME on your hands yeah? Maybe you could do what Chronohistorian never did and take a girl on a date, catch a movie? It may make you leave your internal fantasy world. OK its unlikely she'll be a looker, but looks aren't everything. Just don't pretend you're a time traveller or she'll think you're a bit weird, unless of course, your posts were an ironic joke, in which case tell her, it'll be HIL-A-RIOUS 'Hey you never guess what I posted, man it was SO funny....' and so on Love as ever Dave (Doctor Date)
  4. Greetings to you small simian mammal from the 21st century I have attempted to decipher some of your ramblings but they are written in such archaic tongue I fear you may have been hit on the head by a large slice of time-cake. I showed your message to The Real John Titor TM in desperation for some clarity but he just mumbled about flux capacitors or some such nonsense and looked pleadingly at his Pleasure Centre with the Nude Britney Spears cartridge sat on standby and made pining noises like Creedo299 does shortly before a solar storm. I had to let him scurry back and plug his time tool into the socket again. Anyway hurry up with the questions already before I wheel Churchface out on his solar tractor you primitive scum! PS No it was definitely Bob
  5. Greetings once again to you all, primitive human life-forms from the 21st century I, the Dave, have returned from the deep folds of THE FUTURE TM once more, to entertain you with my tales of THE FUTURE TM But I journey not alone, nay, I have amassed a wealth of travelling companions, some old, some no doubt familiar, all of us residing in the 26th century in the floating crystal condominium known locally as TITOR TOWERS, which we purchased with the sale of the Time Ship Zodiac. Never fear though cave-dwellers, we have now leased the Zodiac back from it's Lizardan owner Bob, for a small monthly fee. Celebrations! Think of my crew as a chrono-committee, with many strengths and much knowledge to share with you Firstly there is myself, almost 2 metres tall, covered in holographic tattoos and with enhanced pleasure receptors, the Dave I also have the memories and creative genius that is Brick AKA Chronohistorian attached to my cerebral cortex by nanotechnology Then there is our housemate, the one, the original bad bwoy of time travel - Johnny Titor himself, looking all buff and grizzled in his sweaty time warrior vest with his laze gun swung over his ripply muscled shoulder We also have his teenage nephew Ethan Titor, a sulky brat who is always trying to fly the Zodiac into some kinda trouble, the loveable scamp Then there is the dark shuffling man-beast hybrid who only goes by the name of Creedo299 though he was known as Nigel in a previous life, he is covered in shaggy fur, lives in a kennel in our galactic garden and lives only to kill and kill again, uttering obscenities, trapped in his own private world of pain and fantasy Then there is the brute form of Zeshua, dressed in a toga with a flowing beard like some kind of ancient Greek God, wearing a golden crown emblazoned with a cartoon lightning bolt. However she is female. Finally our latest edition is the boy who always wanted to time travel - Warrior381, or Barry as he is also known, a synthetic being cloned from the original Warrior381 from the 21st century, his cells stolen by Ethan Titor from a used tissue found under the mat in his bedsit We are now open for your questions, for a short time (ironically)
  6. Re: The TT Claimants' Hall of Shame Dearest prehistoric human I am impressed with your loving dissection of the boy Chronohistorian's poor career in 'pretending to be John Titor', a minor past-time which I understand some of you primitive cave dwellers tend to enjoy when you're not illegally downloading pornography or buying computer games or watching national karaoke contests on your hilarious 2d visual viewing devices. What you failed to include was Chronohistorian's eventual demise (in the timeline where he didn't grow up at last and discover beer and girls, although I suspect he probably just buys computer games, has still never drank beer and still has never actually talked to a girl, though he must be about 17 now, but I digress), after his pathetic deputy governor-ship of England, dear Brick was melted down to a thin strip of personality and grafted onto my own mighty cerebral cortex to be eternally tormented by deft electro-shocks and sarcasm, which is where in fact he still marginally exists to this very day (far in your future). He is nought but an occasional whining electronic voice in my head railing against his final digital resting place and dreaming of conquest of the stars assisted by his stinking Lizardan allies, surrounded by scantily clad muscle trees and gorging on time-cake. Suffice to say, myself (that is, the Dave), Creedo299 - my furry pet, John Titor and his nephew Ethan and the timeship Zodiac are still out there in the deep folds of time (much like a cosmic lady garden) and occasionally popping back to the 21st century to see what you're all up to here, in your ancient badly-lit caves. Much love
  7. Warrior381 - No, I will not tell you what happens in 2012, its just another dull year in the mist of prehistory as fasr as we in THE FUTURE TM are concerned.
  8. Apologies for the lack of input, I got bored of this post two weeks ago back in THE FUTURE TM. Sad news on the Winsletbot front as well, Creedo299 got hold of 'her' again after slipping his manacles during a particularly violent sunstorm and managed to rear-mount her with at least 16 of his tentacles. She has now been scrapped, BUT myself and THE REAL JOHN TITOR TM have been out and purchased a set of MINTOVA TRIPLETS, the delicious sex queens of the late 22nd century and are looking forward to servicing their collective 54 orifices just as soon as we've purchased enough lubricants. Creedo299 is fully locked away from the light from the time being and we have reinforced his kennel. Zeshua has moulted again so we'll need to de-scale her within the next month or so. oh and little Ethan Titor has grown his third eye! Exciting times in THE FUTURE TM at Titor Towers I think you'll agree. Finally on the subject of future posts, in a couple of months time there's a new 'time traveller' on these boards who's preposterous time travel claims are so amusing you'll blow your soda pop thru your nose and your rectum may prolapse! I won't mention any names but the first person who realises who I'm talking about needs to post the words KINKY PROLAPSE straight after their ass-biting cliche ridden doomsday scenario 'ask me a question' nonsense* and I'll tell you if you've guessed correctly! *They're WORSE than Chronohistorian As ever, your humble servant
  9. Future time travel post This is in response to a question Warrior381 will ask sometime in the future. No, Jacin Young is not a time traveller and never becomes one.Now please STOP ASKING. I win!
  10. Picture THE FUTURE TM and see the iron fist of satire punching a 17 year old virgin making up an implausible time travelling story over and over again. Although obviously I am a real time traveller myself!
  11. Dearest Raymond (Raymond, arf!) Myself and The Real John Titor TM have had a good chuckle at your ramblings about 2093 (universally known as a Very Dull Year in Time Travel circles). Well I say that, we read a small portion of your initial message but almost had to have bionic eyes implanted due to stabbing our own out with atomic pencils it was so predictable. To cut a long story short the baying primitive mob on this forum will no longer tolerate messages of this low quality. Unless you include at least some references to time police, muscle trees, time cake, lizardans, lunarium juice or Time Belts TM in your next missive we will be exceedingly unimpressed and time travel to your comfortable suburban 21st century home and set the many tentacled horror called Creedo299 on you.
  12. Warrior381 I know all about the time travel from a mar connection and a Government connection already and spurn your spurious ramblings about second comings, o hairless primitive cave ape
  13. Ah gwenog, thank you for visiting this forum and asking the '2012' question of many 'time travellers' who by now have forgotten about their postings altogether and gone back to their schools and youth clubs to live their normal 21st century adolescent lives! I was horrified at first to think chronohistorian had returned along with his dreaded 'cake and this sig will change every couple of days' line for a mere moment there! thank you for that!!
  14. A troll? Is this some kind of 21st century evolutionary throwback I am unaware of Warrior?
  15. My my Warrior what a paranoid little fellow you are and so many questions to be answered to help soothe you through the long dark evenings! Do you have a partner of either sex to channel your boundless energies into?? No matter, MY ANSWERS IN ANNOYING SHOUTY CAPITALS well there is many thing happen to me like i wonder is there a alien Abduction going on behind my back i don't know : I KNOW, NO. HAVE YOU MET ANY GENUINE ALIENS? MOST OF THEM ARE VASTLY UNPLEASANT. LIZARDANS? BRUTES, WITH NO TABLE MANNERS, FOR INSTANCE. ALTHOUGH SOME OF THEIR FEMALES ARE SURPRISINGLY RECEPTIVE TO THREE OR FOURSOMES WITH CONSENTING OTHER SPECIES GIVEN THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF LUNARIUM JUICE AND A BLAST OF PHEROMONES also i wonder there is a time machine hidden by the public view? I ASSUME YOU MEAN 'HIDDEN FROM THE PUBLIC VIEW' - OF COURSE THERE IS! NAH JUST KIDDING. 2135AD THEY GO ON SALE IN WAL-MART THOUGH. TIME BELTS TM COME LATER, AND ARE FAR LESS CUMBERSOME, ALTHOUGH DON'T MENTION TIME BELTS TM TO THE REAL JOHN TITOR TM JACIN, YOU'RE IN ENOUGH TROUBLE WITH HIM OVER THAT AS IT IS and that this time travel machine is only owned by the Gov. like MIB.. MIB - WHAT IS MIB? MY ITCHY BALLS? THE GOVERNMENT DO OWN THEM, GODS DEATH ON THEM ALL also i wonder hmm don't be sorry about me Dave because there is alway a Astral Projeciton and time travel by HDR unit..NO YOU'RE OFF IN FANTASY LAND AGAIN. ASTRAL PROJECITON AND TRAVEL BY HDR UNIT? ARE THESE THE NAMES OF DARK AGES TRANCE ACTS? opp opp i think Dave misunderstood me sorry Dave but there is a time travel machine call HDR unit also Time Vortex Actiavtor maybe all need a Grid point and there u have it..YES AGAIN YOU APPEAR TO BE MAKING THIS UP AS YOU GO ALONG There. Sleep well
  16. Don't cry little Warrior Jacin. Although it is entirely your fault that John Titor (The Real John Titor TM mind, not an impostor or Chronohistorian) has returned to THE FUTURE to Titor Towers and you should hang your head in shame, there are other things in life which are far better than riches, fame and time travel. Perhaps you could go for a brisk stroll in the countryside with a good book, or you could date a rosy cheeked girl with firm thighs and watch movies together, rather than hang around time travel forums in the unlikely hope that you will become Dr Who? Something for you to ponder, eh? Best of luck Creepy Uncle Dave
  17. Oh good grief, its really not confusing at all, my little mammal friend Warrior. Here is the truth of the answers you seek Will Jacin Young be rich and famous in the future? No Will Jacin Young ever be a time traveller? No Will Jacin Young be fictionally 'raptured' by his imaginary friend 'Jesus'? No Will Jacin Young be the first person in the 21st century killed by multiple blows to the head by a 26th century Time Belt TM? Yes, the way he's going x
  18. You may have noticed by now that John has not been bothered to come back to this forum and answer your questions. Unfortunately all of our Time Belt TM credits have been eaten up in finding out the truth about Jacin Young and John has returned to THE FUTURE. I hope you can live with yourself and this knowledge Jacin Young, you fiend.
  19. Jacin Young, hmmm. Well me and The Real John TitorTM flipped on our Time Belts TM, made sure little Ethan had eaten his Sxkarrls, fed some swill to Creedo299 and gave Zeshua's scales a good brush then hopped back to the dim and distant badlands of the 21st century. Now TRJT TM isn't a big fan of the 21st century what with what happened in 2036, 2039 and indeed 2045 when he first met the Kinky in a bar in downtown Nebraska. But I said to him, I said "John Boy I know you prefer it off in the 27th century where internet porn is available as soon as you think about it, and the bandwidth is so big that you could drive a starship through the cable, and all those delicious wars killing billions of lowly humanoids have happened and [censored], but seriously we need to head back and find out what happened to Jacin Young!" Now, as you might agree, what the heck have TRJT TM and Dave Of The Mighty House Of Kinky got to gain from finding out about Jacin Young? From all accounts Jacin Young is the 'real name' of the person calling themselves Warrior381 and has his 'questions for time travellers' on permanent cut and paste on a word document - NB - 'Will Jacin Young be rich and famous and a time traveller'? Johnny was most unimpressed at this, that I would even consider wasting valuable Time Belt TM credits on finding out the answer to this unrelenting question NB - 'Will Jacin Young be rich and famous and a time traveller'?, one which, it seems is asked EVERY DAY WITHOUT FAIL to some new sad 14 year old virgin boychild from Oregon calling themselves Time_Travel09 and pretending to be John Titor 10 minutes after reading his Wikipedia entry and googling for this forum. I said 'Johnny, maybe if we do a thorough check Warrior381 will be satisfied and not ask that question any more?' Johhny eventually agreed and Time Belts akimbo we zipped down the time lanes to find out the final unequivocal answer to that very query NB - 'Will Jacin Young be rich and famous and a time traveller'? So here it is Drum roll NO :devil: Glad to be of help, Dave
  20. I've checked with him and he says categorically 'No it isn't' Helpful Dave xx
  21. Warrior381, The Real John TitorTM and me have done some research in THE FUTURE and have some news about the ultimate fate of Jacin Young you may be very interested in....
  22. No my primitive friend, it is not. The de-activation of the Winslet-Bot has arisen due to her being repeatedly frottaged by a feral Creedo during one of his monthly mating frenzies. As you all know his staple diet of daily mucus pellets are full of all types of tranquilizer and we often have to resort to beating him with a Muscle Tree now and then, however it was one set of full moons too much for him and the poor Winslet-bot took the full brunt of his extended projectiles. The next day we found her poor plastic tits in Creedo's pond and her metal ass still attached to his quivering appendage in his feather-lined kennel. John (that is, The Real John Titor TM) was not best pleased as he still had nearly 20 drogues of credit left in her, um, slot. Never fear though my slavering cavepeople from the dark ages! She will be fixed and ready for all manner of futuristic fornication very soon (in fact by the 'time' I return to the FUTURE. For those of you interested we have also ordered a complete set of Dhaxa-5 triplets-bots from the 23rd century and yes they have a full set of working add-ons. Yum! I also have it on good authority that the communication probe in the rear is a two way experience hombre, so cool your furry boots. David
  23. No Titor isn't back here in the primitive past now, he's in THE FUTURE playing Star Jaxck with little Ethan, while I have to power up my time travel belt and head back to the miserable time hovel you call the 21st century. He'll be returning to the two bedroomed maisonette we call 'that craphole back in the past' and logging onto this very website forum in the next couple of days. In fact he's already here in two days time. To be honest my trisexual chumz its all a bit paradoxical, and boring. Whatever. Get ready pop kidz of the 21st century, the man they all call John Titor AKA The Real John Titor TM (always address him this way due to copyright reasons) is ON. HIS. WAY. BACK. Oh and Warrior381 you certainly are a legend, just not in the way you think. Creedo299 sends his regards, and wants you to know he's well, he's watered and fed regularly and has all the space he needs to scamper around, unashamed of the quills rising from his dorsal fin. The Winslet-Bot is currently deactivated, sorry
  24. Re: H i, i'm John Titor, 2038 Its not impossible, he's just really busy
  25. GREAT GREAT Great news my tiny dribbling primitive homosexual chumz from the 20th and 21st century! And Warrior381! The Real John TitorTM, my great pal from the incestuous world of time travel has literally balled himself ragged in THE FUTURE where we live and has decided he will be RETURNING TO THIS VERY FORUM any day now! Before you all start to reach for the box of tissues he has confirmed he will be logging on under an amazing new ID - Timetraveller03 or something similar to that. I begged him to use his original ID (I say 'begged', I mean I shouted it out during a particularly frenzied threesome with a Lizardan whore) and he has confirmed he can't be bothered and will use a new one instead. The Real John TitorTM has also confirmed you can ignore all these malfants calling themselves JohnTitor38, JohnTitor2522 or whatever and unless they carry the official TM of TITOR ENTERPRISES INTERGALACTIC they are nothing but fools, charlatans and Muscle Tree-eating Time Cake Scum. I am writing this in anticipation of his arrival back in your time, so keep watching the forum as he will return soon! Very soon!* *Unless he simply can't be bothered, he asked me to add Lord High Vizier David Kinksworth PR Secretary to The Real John TitorTM TITOR ENTERPRISES INTERGALACTIC* TITOR TOWERS Off the coast of The UFSA THE FUTURE *Incorporating TITOR TIME TRAVEL TOURS, TITORMATES - THE DATING AGENCY OF THE FUTURE and CHRONOPETZ - CREEDO299 CLONES NOW AVAILABLE 'YOUR FAITHFUL FURRY FRIENDZ'
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