Jump to content

I am a time traveller and so on


dave_kinky
 Share

Recommended Posts

So there we were, sitting in the bar of Ye Olde Tardis, me - the Davester - seven feet tall with glowing tattoos and cyber implants and a thin strip of nanomeat which is all thats left of Chronohistorian occasionally wriggling away in my neural cortex, Little Johnny Titor, in his usual khaki gear, stick-on cheek scar, his son Ethan 'Dogface' Titor in an ill-fitting basque and the boy Creedo, his lazy eye weeping pus and his hairy back crawling with various parasites. Anyway we're all sipping on our Lunarium juice, except for Creedo who's licking his out of a bucket and Little Johnny T says to me, he says 'Dave, you're a time traveller aren't you?' and I'm like 'Yeah yeah John-boy course I am, gertcha, what line you spinning me now?' and he's all like 'Dave why don't you see if them primitives (thats you lot in the 21st century) want to ask any questions about the future?' and I'm all like 'Oh God's death NO John-boy, not all them endless 'can you print me a photo of your clothes in the future' and 'what date is nuclear war please' and 'what is your timeline' and all that sklaxxfasx questions shurely?' and Johnny, Johnny Titor cos he's like had a few jars now he's like 'Oh go ON Dave it'll be a laugh' and little Dogface Ethan he's like giggling and saying 'Yeah yeah' and Creedo's like drooling and frothing a bit which I take it is an agreement so here I am :

 

I am a time traveller and I will answer your questions about the future

 

Dave

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 58
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Well the Davester hangs to the left, so left it is caveman!

 

Seriously though (arf) ask me the usual round of questions which I've cunningly put into the usual order of importance:

 

1. Civil War in the USA in the next 3 weeks

 

2. In the future will the internet have even better bandwidth (CF for downloading more porn)

 

3. Have I ever driven (or do I own) a UFO

 

4. Random link to a conspiracy theory blog - is this true?

 

5. Can you send me a crayon drawing of your time machine pls

 

6. What music do you listen to in the future

 

Don't forget I am on intimate terms with Johnny Titor (we are currently engaged in man-love) so if you need any further questions answered from John-boy I can also feed you that particular beast

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1. Civil War in the USA in the next 3 weeks

 

2. In the future will the internet have even better bandwidth (CF for downloading more porn)

 

3. Have I ever driven (or do I own) a UFO

 

4. Random link to a conspiracy theory blog - is this true?

 

5. Can you send me a crayon drawing of your time machine pls

 

6. What music do you listen to in the future

Does the Ford Motor Company use the stimulus money given to them to start a Civil War in the USA, and establish a dominance on Earth as the United Ford Order, and what kind of impact does this have on the vehicle that you drive in the future, ( a crayon drawing would suffice as proof ) and how many people of the future know that the music XM ( X-Rated/ Mature ) satellite system secretly owned and operated by the UFO are infused with subliminal messages to promote the increased downloading of porn, and can you provide the link of this conspiracy theory that will be appearing in the Google Search Engine sometime in the next three weeks, before it is an active link ?

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Holy hell KerrTexas:

 

"Does the Ford Motor Company use the stimulus money given to them to start a Civil War in the USA, and establish a dominance on Earth as the United Ford Order, and what kind of impact does this have on the vehicle that you drive in the future, ( a crayon drawing would suffice as proof ) and how many people of the future know that the music XM ( X-Rated/ Mature ) satellite system secretly owned and operated by the UFO are infused with subliminal messages to promote the increased downloading of porn, and can you provide the link of this conspiracy theory that will be appearing in the Google Search Engine sometime in the next three weeks, before it is an active link ?"

 

Yes it does and I could indeed provide a Google link proving it, sadly I can't be bothered to do so. No because there is MOMENTOUS NEWS my time time travelling brethren!

 

I STATE AGAIN - MOMENTOUS EARTH-SHATTERING, BOWEL-LOOSENING NEWS!

 

NO, it isn't that Civil War is commencing in the USA in two weeks time, no Aliens didn't invent time travel machines for us in a lab in Kentucky, no Hilary Clinton isn't President Of The USA in 2012, no Chronohistorian hasn't finally got laid, none of that, no

 

CLAMORIAN HAS RETURNED!

 

YES! C-L-A-M-O-R-I-A-N

 

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW CLAMORIAN was a time traveller as well (in fact still is) but has sadly wrestled with ISSUES these past few years and has sunk into depression. No, not over time travel but over his fondness for parading around in women's lingerie. He has now resolved this by hopping forward to 2986CE where the GLAMAZONS OF PLANET X have refitted him as a lady. So he is now CLAMORETTE

 

If you have any questions for myself, Clamorette, Big John Titor, Little Ethan Titor or even the Creedmeister go right ahead and ask, noting exactly who you wish to answer. We're all here on the time ship Zodiac waiting...just...for you x

 

PS Or even Chronohistorian if you're feeling really dangerous, treat yerself

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey there young master Notimeagain

 

Sadly I am unable to travel back to September 1998 because Time Traveller Protocol A/8999-5667 says 'Very little of interest happened in September 1998, do not waste valuable drinking time going back to this point in time merely to send an email to some adolescent mammal who accuses you of reading some marginalised human author'. And indeed who is Dave or any of his time traveller gang to argue with the remits of Time Traveller Protocol A/8999-5667? I think we all know the penalties meted out for breaking that particular bastard yeah?

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Warrior381 welcome back to the world of Dave. Though much has moved on in my world I am gladdened and indeed heartened to see that little or nothing has changed in yours. You are like the reed, you bend but you do not break. Actually that's a poor analogy but one which I'm sure Ray Bradbury would appreciate whoever he is.

 

I have known Creedo for some time. Often myself and Creedo would walk hand in hand across some unknown primeval beach in a parallel universe where his gross physical deformities were not points of derision and laughter. I would free him from his cage and he would run unfettered across the dunes, his fins flapping gaily in the unexplored winds and zephyrs. Oh happy days.

 

On a moonlit night in the jungles of Vietnam I piloted the good time ship Zodiac and glided it gently down, collecting the shivering form of poor Creedo, his grunting body wracked with sobs at being cast out from this online community (I know this now), where else could he vent the ramblings of somebody clearly from a parallel universe of his own where evolution had wandered off at a tangent and spliced the genes of humanity with a breakfast tea dispensing machine?

 

So there you have it Warrior381. Think of me as Creedo's protector and tormentor rolled into one.

 

The first time travel machine will be in the stores for Xmas 2012. Order one thru Amazon now if I was you, the postage and packing is gonna cost you an arm and a leg on its own.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I STATE AGAIN - MOMENTOUS EARTH-SHATTERING, BOWEL-LOOSENING NEWS!

 

CLAMORIAN HAS RETURNED!

 

YES! C-L-A-M-O-R-I-A-N

Wow! I think my bowels just loosened a little bit! My excitement at this news is almost unlimited.

 

Oh great and wise time traveling clam (that is having to channel from within a mere part-time super-duper sub-president of Oceania), please regale us with stories of your travels since you left us! I especially want to know all about the time traveling mussel tree technology... and no, that was NOT a typo... I said MUSSEL trees.

 

I have even heard rumors that there is a giant mussel cake that has moved into our inner solar system, and that by 2012 it will turn into a big messy bowl of RED clam chowder and wack the earth off its axis. Will you be able to save us, oh great clam?

 

Kinky....??? Are you SURE this is all getting through to the clam? I mean, I don't want to be wasting my time with you as an intermediary if these important questions of mine are not getting through to the real deal! In fact, could you send me a crayon picture of yourself so I can see the clamshell head of yours... that would prove to me you are who you say you are.

 

Tell Creedo I still miss him, but am also banging his ex-girlfriend on a regular basis. She told me to tell you to tell Creedo "ouch, not so hard! Remember you are much bigger than Creedo!" Pass that on to Creeds, will ya?

 

Thanks Dave, I can always count on you to get to the truth!

 

RMT

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Warror381, I am not psychic. Psychotic possibly. Sadly I cannot see Jacin Michael Young as a time traveller. Nor as anything else. Our records in 'VER FUTURE' show he is abducted by Lizard Men sometime towards the start of the 21st century and lives out much of his life as a gladiator in the Pain Hole on the planet Uranus where his ring literally collapses while fighting in their ring. If you get my meaning. He can't sit down very well, yeah, you dig? So he is (a) not a time traveller but (b) a galactic traveller. Cosmic swings and roundabouts innit? If you can't have your muscle cake and eat it, why have cake? (***AAAARGH SHUT UP CHRONO****)

 

Hope that answers your questions, if you see Jacin tell him to start buying lubricants and keeping a big holdall full of them very close to him at all times.

 

Glad to be of help, The Davester

 

xx

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Rainman, you autistic rascal you! I have relayed your message to the Clamster but she appeared confused. This confusion escalated with your revelation about El Creedo - Creedo's 'ex-girlfriend' - you are having some primitive jest with myself and my time-travelling posse yes? I read this to Creedo in front of the crew, then I read it again slower and finally had to enact the whole email to the Creed with small puppets made of wood (muscle tree, natch) - when the dim light of your email reached the black hole of his mind there was much raucous laughter all round to the point where the Creedmeister moulted a whole slew of skin all over the Comms deck of the Zodiac.

 

To my knowledge Creedster has never had a girlfriend so ex-girlfriend is an impossibility or a time paradox yes? Unless you have been mounting the rear exhaust port of the Zodiac's tertiary waste disposal chute and it has learned to talk and complaint about the veracity of your fervent human/fission chamber lovemaking then I would hazard that you and the Creed have not shared an orifice in your pursuit of pleasure?

 

Glad to be of help, Dave

 

xxx

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh really, is the person Creedo reminded you of like a cross between the Son Of Godzilla, a large werewolf and an extinct primitive fish, with the personality of a hermaphrodite meerkat being mounted by a Lizard Man at the height of the mating season, doped out of its tiny mind on Muscle Tree Cake? If you ticked 'yes' to all of those boxes you're about 1/4 of the way there my friend.

 

Dave x

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dave,

 

It is apparant that the Creedo unit is malfunctioning, and in a big way. Yes, Creedo did have a girlfriend. If you search on his posts here, he even tells the story of one weekend when he brought her down to my bungalow in NoHo (that's North Hollywood for you time travelers who don't have time to pick up the local SoCal lingo). Yes, indeed, within these very posting forums Creedo told the story of how I first met his ex-girlfriend (my current bootie-banging-hobby-girl). Creedo could even tell when he first introduced us that she couldn't keep her eyes off me... or my primitive, non-time-traveling bulge.

 

What I think is going on is the Creedo299 unit is simply shielding its long-term memory from having to recall this event. Poor ugly thing, I am sure if he did bring that memory forward you would have one messy creature on your hand.... You could not even staunch the crying, but then there is that whole "acrid smell" problem too. Don't push the poor wretch to remember. But if you want the proof all you have to do is find the post he wrote with his own crayon telling the story.

 

Actually, she is pretty damn good in bed. You should come by one night and I will let you rent her out... only if you promise to keep Chrono away from her. She hates virgins!

 

On the Clamorian issue, I am getting suspcious. I notice that you ignored my request for picture proof of who you are. Are you working for the NWO nowadays? I smell a rat, or a fish... or a Lunarian Lemming! Stop stalling... I want to know if Clamorian knows about the thing some call Niburu, that I know is all set to turn into that giant bowl of RED clam chowder.

 

Stop stalling, bucko... me and the gubmint are on to you, wiseguy! Put Chrono on the line! I need to talk to that boy!

 

RMT

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...