Why Santa Needs a Time Machine - Analysis

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An engineering analysis of why Santa needs a time machine:

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about. .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion -

If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

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Jesus, Lord Krishna and Santa Claus, all share some behavioral qualities.

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Santa is alive but is currenlty under investigation by the Bush Agency due to:

1. underpaid 4 feet elves (can we say child labour)

2. christmas monopoly for the past 300 yrs?

3. transportation technology undetectable by radar

4. transportation of merchandise violating the free trade agreement

5. visiting homes without warrant

6. wearing red and white but no blue?

8. WMD (weapons of mass destruction) concealed in gifts ... hes ahead of the taliban on this one!

9. traveling without using OIL to support the economy

if anyone has more to add go on.....

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I would have thought it more likely, that the Bush agency would be infinitely more interested in trying to recruit santa - under those pointers - rather then investigate him.

kind regards,

Olly

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I would have thought it more likely, that the Bush agency would be infinitely more interested in trying to recruit santa - under those pointers - rather then investigate him.

Heh. Agreed! Santa's got more inside info on people than anyone else. He has been purported to keep lists, and even check them twice. Through his intelligence he has been shown to have the ability to determine who has been legally naughty, and those who have been legally nice.That is actionable intelligence... and Santa's credibility has gotta be better than the CIAs! ;)RMT

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Dear Team.

Santa has 11 reindeer and 11 secret service agent working in different goverment agencys to cover up any body working out he has a time machine.

A leaked document to the press arranged by santa him self was released to put people off and miss lead that he is dead.

To everyone may you all have a happy holiday and a safe and happy new year.

To the goverment agencys who read this site may you also have a wonderful and safe christmas.

May we all hope ofr a new yaer that will be better than the last and a sfare place to live for the childen of the future.

To the time travellers merry chritmas for this year and this year again when you came back again and merrry christmas for this year last year and the next.

Merry Christmas.

Blair Styles.

11:11

Santa is John titor.

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Why Santa Claus does not need a time machine at all!

Santa Claus was a real person and a toy-maker, and made toys for poor boys and girls around Christmas Time, and this is really what Christmas is about!

It is just commercialization that has made the image that some people hold onto nowadays!

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I thought christmas was supposed to be about the birth of that baby. God damn it!...what was that kids name again, something do with 3 kings and some other stuff...